I woke up this morning feeling tense, sad & closed off. Something felt off....
Yesterday was my "due date" and to be honest, if you'd asked me weeks ago if I thought I'd go to 40 weeks, I would've said no. I was certain I'd go early, just a feeling I had. But as the weeks came and went, that feeling became less certain because I felt less ready. Somehow, the work I'd been doing to prepare myself for labor and a new family had been replaced with lots of other stuff. Like trying to remember to instagram weekly pictures of my belly, or keeping up with orders so I wouldn't have to worry about any open ones if the baby came. Responding to texts, emails, tweets, facebook messages, phone calls from friends asking how I was doing. Trying to filter out unsolicited advice & opinions about how I should feel about my body or what I should expect from my birth experience. I've spent most of my energy trying to manage everything except for what's most important- my mind, my body and my family.
So yes, I woke up this morning feeling disappointed and blocked. Disappointed that I was still pregnant and feeling like my body let me down because I'm "passed due" and blocked because I feel disconnected from it all. It's not how I intended to go into the birth experience and I'm lucky enough to realize it now and change it.
For the next few days, I'm taking some time away from social media and my phone, really from the outside world. I need to create the space within me and around me to focus on bringing this life into the world. I had planned on starting the break hours ago and figured I'd just stop responding to the texts, phone calls & tweets... but as I was driving around a little while ago, blasting some good tunes and trying to relax into them, my phone didn't stop "dinging" for almost an hour. I felt guilty not responding and my chest tightened up. Please don't take that the wrong way- I am grateful for all the love & support I've received. The fact that folks are reaching out & thinking of us is amazing and it's a beautiful thing. But, it's preventing me from getting my head & heart into the space I need at the moment and that's really what's most important right now.
So if you don't hear from me for a few days, now you know why. I'll be in touch with my parents and my sisters & brothers. Oh, and Robert of course ;) I'll still be answering business emails because my business is still open. But that's about it. Thanks for understanding....
Maybe the next time I'm in touch, I'll be a mom. Maybe not. Just like this baby will come when s(he) is ready, I'll be back in touch when I'm in a comfortable enough space to do so. In the meantime, thanks for all the love and have an amazing weekend!!!